Is your baby shower co-ed?

Brace yourselves, many of you will be bored to tears by what I have to say. Yesterday, a (male) friend and I were speaking on the phone and he mentioned that a friend of his was surprised to find out that he was going to a baby shower, (mine.) Now, I was vaguely aware of the fact that sometimes baby showers are exclusively attended by women, but I was under the impression that this practice was old fashioned. As far as I know, the men that I invited to my shower either have no idea that it is not traditional for them to be invited, or don't care. Or perhaps as a third option, they are happy to finally be included in something like this. Whatever the case, I feel the need to openly express how messed up it is that this was ever considered an event just for women. Sure, sure. Women only space can be sacred, but there is nothing about the birth or life of this child that involves women exclusively- starting with the shower.

It's not just for the sake of the dino that I am trying to live outside of the gender binary. It's for my own sake. And yours too, if you want some of the benefits. A male babysitter? yes please. Do I want to make more money than Tom even though I am a mother? yes please. Do I want to make dinner every night and fold the laundry? not really. So be aware of the trap that you are stepping into when you consent to a co-ed baby shower, my brave male friends. A co-ed baby shower is just the first step in a CASCADE of other inclusive and egalitarian behaviors. Can you say Diaper duty?

I have been growing more and more self-conscious about the fact that the only thing I have posted on here has been about gifts. The truth of the matter is that this whole blog-thing started because I was feeling uncomfortable about getting presents. I am pretty sure that it is a common phenomenon... I am not shy, but every now and again, certain kinds of attention make me head for the hills. Apparently, baby showers make me shy. Who knew?

My sister suggested that I can't handle the loss of control associated with this baby shower business. She may be right. I sure do like being in control. On the other hand, like everything in my life, I have a desire for this dino business it to be a transformative process. As a person who does not like many of the systems and structures that shape my reality, I have a strong desire for them to change. Call it controlling, call it visionary. (I prefer the latter.) If I can't start by making small changes in my own life surrounding a baby shower... well, I start to feel a little disillusioned. I am striving for balance between my need to control everything and my hope that tradition can play out differently as I become a mother.

The letting go of control element of this sought-after balance is a work in progress, and I've been told it will be a useful one. At present, here is my compromise. I will let go of some control, it I get to hold onto my belief that things can de different; that change is possible at least in my tiny sphere. I wouldn't feel good about bringing the dino into the world if I had to stop believing in all of the things that have sustained me thus far in life.

So, Tom and I are having a baby in August and I recognize that there is a culture of gifting around these kinds of events. As a result, I decided not only to register somewhere where useful items can be purchased, (kidbean.com) but also to make a list here of some of the other things that would be helpful that are not available through that website. More importantly, as I was creating the registry I was noticing that I do not want the birth of our baby, (nicknamed 'the dino') to be cause for our comsumption habits to change significantly. More to the point, I would like to encourage people who want to gift our newly growing family to consider the following.

Firstly, babies only use baby stuff while they are babies. As a result, used baby items are endlessly available. Giving these items another life by buying used items and passing on hand-me downs is not only more thrifty but does not support the throw-away culture that we live in. Instead of selecting exactly what I would like our baby to wear, I prefer to have the babies wardrobe be a produt of the serendipity of thrifting. If thrifting and freeboxing are your thing, keep the dino in mind and help support our family without overcomsuming.

Additionally, even within the realm of used items, we would prefer to avoid clothing and toys that depict recognizable cartoon characters. I recognize that babies and kids love animals, but small people do not know the difference between Mickey and any other mouse. As a result, the dino can be kept happy without becoming a living adverstisement for disney, warner bros or whomever.

Also, we are planning to co-sleep, so we will not be needing any crib accessories.
We already have a breastpump and an infant car seat.

Thanks for getting through all of that. Here is a list of some of the things that would be most useful to us that we do not yet have.

Diaper Service: We plan to use Tidee Didee in Portland Oregon. We would love to have at least 6-8 months of diaper service, which costs about 18 bucks per week. I believe that Tidee Didee sells gift certificates, but I also think that my friend Julie is taking up a collection, (julie@birthattendants.org)

Waterproof Matress Cover: For a queen size bed.

baby blankets
cute hats
socks
shoes of various sizes
wooden non-toxic toys
random cute clothes
a carseat for a baby over 28 inches

More than anything, the dino needs to be raised by loving community. I am excited for you all to be involved in the life of our baby. Please don't feel obligated to give us anything material at all, especially if doing so would create any hardship for you. What means the most to us right now and always is your love and support.

I plan to update this periodically with pictures and updates on how things are developing, so I encourage you to check back.